Choosing my battles

Lately, it feels like my day can be best summed up as a battle of some sort or another.  The battle to get my boys ready for school, to get them to eat something that resembles a vegetable, to get them to sleep, against clutter and loneliness and the ongoing battle to get control of our finances and build up some savings.

So I guess it shouldn't be a surprise then that I am tired.  Physically tired from staying up late to watch 2 solid weeks of convention coverage (I'm a politics junkie/nerd) and emotionally tired from the constant barrage of small, truthfully inconsequential battles that I am fighting all day long.  And as the boys refused to nap yet and I spent that time putting them back in bed over and over again while stressing over all the things I wasn't getting done I realized that it was time to let some things go.  To take it easy on myself and realize that some things just aren't worth fighting for. 

So tonight the boys are playing in the dirt, well really mud thanks to the rain from last night and I am just letting it go.  That's what showers and hoses and maybe even a power washer is for. We might have McDonald's for dinner (again) and those french fries will 100% count as vegetables.  Maybe I'll go totally crazy and refuse to wipe down the kitchen counters with disinfectant spray AND I won't sweep the floor either.  And hopefully it will be the reminder that I need that those things don't keep the world spinning or bring my family happiness. 

In fact, I am pretty sure their grimy finger nails are making the boys far happier than clean counters ever could.

It all depends on your definition of a vegetable

When my husband is home we cook.  A lot.  We actually really enjoy the time together in the kitchen (or at least in this kitchen since it is HUGE) and we try very hard to make sure that the food we make it healthy and that all of the meals are balanced. 

That is until he leaves.

Because you see, cooking for one adult and two toddlers is tough.  You always end up with leftovers and it needs to be something that appeals to everyone while still checking the boxes of healthy and balanced.  With school starting again tomorrow (yes, that is a choir of angels singing) I wanted tonight's dinner to be something that the boys would be excited about but that I could still call healthy.  The answer to this dilemma?  A McDonald's Happy Meal and strawberry milkshake. 

Cheeseburger - protein (meat), dairy (cheese), carbs (rolls), ketchup (I'm calling it a veggie, get over it)
Fries - carbs/vegetable all in one depending on who you ask
Apple slices - fruit
Strawberry Milkshake - dairy and fruit

File that one under the Rules That Only Make Sense During Deployments.

Catching Up

Those days of pre-deployment leave are a double edged sword, in my opinion.  On one hand, it's an opportunity to visit family and friends, spend time together as a family and to finish up that pre-deployment honey do list.  On the other, there is enormous pressure to make every moment "count", to soak in all the time you can with the one you love even while the rest of the world continues on around you all while my husband starts emotionally and physically distancing himself in preparation for what is coming next.  The result (at least in my case) is an emotionally and physically drained pregnant woman standing in the middle of the war zone she called a house only a few short weeks ago. 

The past 36 hours since my husband left have been spent getting things back in order.  I finally put away toys, got caught up on laundry and went to the grocery store (on a pay weekend, I blame pregnancy during a deployment brain for the decision!).  My to do list is done, I have a plan for the week ahead and I feel like I am ready to tackle the craziness that is back to school/gymnastics/swimming/soccer.  And with all that comes a sense of relief.  Relief that things are back in order, that this deployment is finally underway and that I don't have to think about it all the time now that I am going to be running with the kids all day everyday. 

But is it really catching up if you are only doing it to run away from something else?

That's what families do.

You all know that moment (whether you've seen it in person or on TV). That moment when someones kid runs towards the buses crying "Dad, Dad, please come back! Don't leave me! Please, Dad, no!" Today that kid was mine. He's 3 1/2. To him, Dad is the center of the universe. Sure I'm there, and I handle the day to day things like feeding him, clothing him, etc but from Dad comes all good things in life. Things like jumping and running and flipping, building train tracks and the all important fixing things skill. These are all things that Mom could do but why would she bother with her mediocre at best attempts when there is Dad who does it all the best.

I've been trying to prepare him for this pretty much since we found out that my husband was going to be deploying again. We've talked and talked and talked until I was blue in the face it seems about how Dad has to go to Afghanistan for work, that he will be gone a long, long time and that we are all going to stay here while Dad goes away. I let him know that I was going to be staying with him, that I would always be there and that his Dad and I love him and are proud of him for being so brave. None of that seemed to matter in that moment though, as his little body was wracked with sobs and I struggled to hold him back while balancing his younger brother on my hip and my belly swollen from the yet unknown New Baby. He was scared, felt abandoned and all of the other emotions that swirl through your heart and head as the doors of those buses close. I was certain that in spite of my best efforts, I had failed him.

But later that day, while he and his brother were in their room I heard him talking to his brother. He told him about how much his Daddy loved him even though Daddy had to go far away for work and how we were all going to take care of one another. We were going to love and take care of each other he said because "That's what families do." And it is. And maybe, just maybe, I haven't totally failed him. Maybe there is no way to protect him from the heartbreak that goes along with saying goodbye but maybe I did give him the foundation he needs to know that we will get through it. Together.

It's just another one of those things that families do.